Am I crazy?

Dude I really want you all to judge me whether I'm crazy or not based on what situation I have been in recently and the decision I took! Am I doing the right thing? Would I regret my decision? IDK!! So I want you to answer all these questions, HELP ME! 

Disclaimer: This may feel like a movie, a made-up story but trust me it's all real. I too feel like this is some plot of Indian daily soaps, so many twists and turns. But this all is real and I am not making up a story :)

So let's start from the start. One day our chemistry teacher (I will refer to him as VS sir) called us, a total of 8 students ig, in the chemistry lab. He told us about NCSC and asked if we were interested in participating. Basically, NCSC (National Children's Science Congress) promotes child scientists. Hear it from Google first: It is a forum for children of the age group of 10-17 years, both from the formal school system as well as from out of school, to exhibit their creativity and innovativeness and more particularly their ability to solve a societal problem experienced locally using the method of science. My turn now: It is a kind of competition(?) run by the government where students show their research work, an actual research though small but genuine research not just googling and copying from ChatGPT. At first, I was excited about the competition, took part, and made my project with my partner. My project was very simple, just a comparative study between tribals and school students about their nutrition habits (there was a huge mistake in the project which I was unaware of). I was feeling okay-okay about the topic though. What motivated me to do the project was discreetly bunking social science lectures (it can't be called bunking as I used to take permission to miss the class). Bruh I really, from the bottom of my heart, just wanted to escape from that lecture. You ask why? it was BORING AS HELL!!! I have always been the student who has 99.99% of the focus on the teacher and the subject but I somehow was never able to focus in his(social science teacher's) class. You ask why, well that's a story for another day. So all I did was go for survey in school in his lectures or go to computer lab for yk searching on the internet "what more can be done in the research paper". I did it for almost 2 months and missed out on so many chapters but somehow just covered it before boards and got 95/100 in social science which was a complete shocker for me coz whole academic year I used to find excuses to anyhow miss his class.

Fast forward to district-level NCSC, which was a day before my half-yearly English exam in October, I didn't want to go coz I knew my research paper was not so special and I didn't even give at least 80% in it and had my exam next day so had to study for it but the principal mam and VS sir said that that's just the matter of "2 hours" I should go (who knew these 2 hours will cost me months) so I just went. And yk what I got selected for the state level because there was negligible competition on the district level. 

Now there were 2 phases at the state level: online and offline. So If you get selected online, then you can go and present your work offline. The online one was on the day of my mama(maternal uncle)'s marriage in November so got another excuse to avoid it as I lost my complete interest in it till then. I didn't give the presentation on that day but after 2 days VS sir informed me that they were having one more session of online one for all those who missed (I was like 'Why destiny? Why me?'), so had no option but to give the presentation and GOT SELECTED!(again same question 'why?'), All I wanted was to get rid of this NCSC thing but it was clung to me like Beetal to Vikram (ifykyk). 

Fast forward to the state level offline phase, it was one day before my pre-boards in January (I can imagine your reactions). Another twist, at this point I want you all to imagine playing 'dhum tana dhum tana' as bgm. Though this was good for me, I had another excuse to avoid it but again it didn't go my way and I found myself in Bhopal before my pre-boards for NCSC with my presentation. The way my life was playing with me at that point T_T. The story doesn't even end here. No doubt those 3 days in Bhopal were amazing, I learned so much there and was very much fascinated by the research papers others made. My research paper was nowhere near them. BUT, yes there is another but, (dhum tana dhum tana) I got selected for the national level which is the final level of NCSC. When my name was announced on stage, the way I went on stage with a fake smile on my face. I was not even feeling happy rather was feeling burdened but everyone was delighted for me from my parents to teachers, to friends, to relatives, like everyone but me. I even asked one of the administrators there who was not the judge but he saw projects of everyone and was part of the team and was a scientist himself, 'how can I improve my project', he looked at me and said with complete honesty that 'you are selected only because you had followed the method of science like followed the way research is done but there are a lotttt of loopholes and improvement needed'. Anyway, came back and had my boards in the next month so kept this NCSC thing aside. 

After the boards got over, now it was the time to face the nightmare. But I have no motivation left in me to do anything related to NCSC. You all don't even know the biggest problem here. I asked my uncle as he had done PhD and knows about research, what can be done to improve this project (headache) of mine. What he said just made me lose that 0.0001% I had in NSCS. My project was a comparison study between school students who were of the age group 8-17 years and Tribals who were of the age group 25-40. How can there be a comparison between teenagers and grown adults about their nutrition habits? So now I am supposed make whole project from the scratch for which I have no interest, no time and no energy left in me as I have started my JEE preparations too. 

Am I doing the right thing? Coz its a very good opportunity for me as I'm planning to make my career somewhere around research only and if I have that certificate by the government with the symbol of the national emblem, it will definitely help me in future to get admission wherever I want. My parents want me to do it. My teachers want me to do it. My friends want me to do it. Everyone but me. Even after this golden advantage which is kind of once in a lifetime opportunity I can't bring myself to be happy and excited about it. To be more straightforward, I'm also embarrassed about my project. My research paper is nowhere near research papers of others. I know even if I give my 100%, I won't get the desired results. Then managing this with JEE prep, I have set a goal of 6 hours of daily study which I'm barely able to achieve as this is just the start. Then how will I manage project work with this? I'm completely lost. I don't know what to do. My mother wants me to do it, she asks me every 3rd day if have I changed my mind but she is left disappointed which I hate to see. My father is also disappointed that I'm missing this rare opportunity so he stopped bringing this NCSC thing up and left me to do whatever I want to do about it. 

Will I regret it in future? Am I just being lazy that I have to start from the start? IDK! All I know is that I just want to forget everything about it. I even feel that my project is not even worth getting selected for the national level. It's just too plain, simple and basic and nothing new or unique. I don't know what my fate wants from me, and where it is taking me. 

Have you seen the video of the Ranveer Allahbadia's podcast with Vineeta Singh, where he asks her ''why do toppers fail in life?"(it was something along the lines I don't remember it clearly) and she answers that toppers are not used to failure so when they fail they simply just give up and don't try anymore. Is this the case with me? coz I'm not used to failure. I don't know how to deal with it.

Well, the fun fact is this is not the first time I'm missing any opportunity. I was selected for division level CBSE chess tournament but I didn't go coz I had my periodic test next week (was a excuse) or simply I just didn't want to. I took part in the competition for fun with no expectation of getting selected but got selected and at last refused to go :) this was a small case, and didn't make any impact in my life BUT this NCSC thing is going to make impact in my life. 

The date of national level is not declared yet so I don't know how much time I have and what is the deadline. All I know is I don't want to do it. I just want to focus on my JEE prep and that's it.

Now I want you all to judge the situation and share your views and suggestions. I'm really really lost. My mind is torn apart in two parts. Even after so many hurdles, here I'm in middle of cross wood to choose one path: either go for it or simply don't. But it is not as easy as it sounds. Maybe a 3rd person's view can help me figure out what to do. So, yes that's it for the day. Please do comment about what you think. Also, This is my longest blog till now lol.

Bye~